perception is everything. i've been struggling ever since ted left me... he walked out the door and seems like we didn't see him again for a month. it was so hard on the crumbcakes to have a regular full time super dad... to having nothing. they were bitter and sad and depressed and they just couldn't understand why he left. he eventually told them he left because mommy didn't love him anymore. this of course was true but only partially. he failed to tell them why i didn't love him anymore... but even though i no longer loved him--i didn't want him to leave. i thought we would eventually work it out.
Now that it has been over a year since he left and he sees the crumbcakes on Saturday nights and Sunday and I have full custody... I opened a gallery called the eve-N-odd gallery. I have struggled all year to get this TINY gallery on the map. Tried to make tons of art to sell... sold a lot of paintings and rag dolls, but not enough to earn a living.
Last week my van was repossessed. My house is in foreclosure. It really looks like everything is falling apart and I seem to be unable to save it. Although after a year of living on almost nothing... I have learned to let things go. The house and contents must be liquidated. To me it seems like this huge task... I think about the two bins of collage materials in my studio/dining room that will probably end up in a dumpster and it breaks my heart. I think about my crumbcake's things... their baby toys that I saved... all the remnants that once defined us as a family.
I struggle all the time. I feel so depressed most of the time. I feel alone and unwanted all of the time. I will be losing the gallery when my lease is up. I really don't see how i can continue to work 60 hours a week at a job that I am not getting paid for. When I look at myself--I see a failure.