Don't be ambitious

Half of my life is over... maybe even more.  Yet I struggle with where I am going... where am I going?  I know where I want to be... yet I don't know how to get there with the tools that I have.  And tonight I was told, "Let things happen naturally, you push too hard."  Would anyone ever say that to an ambitious man?? No they wouldn't.  They would say work harder--even if you never see your family, even if you are working 15 hours a day... On the other hand...nobody likes a pushy gal.  No one likes a self-promoting woman.  It's like I just don't know my "place."  I've never known my place.  And I refuse to have a place.  Yet, once a month the hormones go crazy and I feel so alone and like I'm just spinning my wheels.  If I let things happen "naturally"... I would never get anywhere.  Do you blame me for wanting to get somewhere?  Should I just be happy to be a wife and mother?  Was Diane Arbus happy to do just that?  Not to say that I'm anything like a Diane Arbus.  Yet, I do have a drive to achieve something other than the mother-of-the-year award.  

Tomorrow I'm looking at a studio for rent.  I desperately want a place to paint.  Yet, is it just a waste of time (and money)?  Tomorrow is my free day.  Ted and all three crumbcakes are going on a field trip.  They will be gone all day and I'll be all by myself.  I'm planning to go a spa to for some spa stuff... a gift certificate I got last mother's day... and looking at the studio... and I'm thinking a lunch by myself downtown.  I haven't a friend in the world to dine with.  Sad but true.  Two gals I could of called will be out of town.  It's okay to be alone.  It's hard to be the only person who believes in me.  It makes me wonder if it's all a delusion of grandeur.  

Jellyfish and lone sunsets

Tonight I ventured to my favorite beach alone. I did something on the lavish side and got a mint chocolate chip milk shake from my favorite sweet shop. They don't make the best sundaes or milk shakes but they have location, location, location. The kid who works there finally cut his hair. The full mane is down to a marine look. It looks much better. He was getting lost in those curly locks. It's amazing how much more masculine he looks too. Would I look more feminine with longer hair? If I could just get over that in-between stage I would do it--forsake the Aveada teaching salon--which I love so much. At the beach alone. It was nice to be alone--to be happy to be by myself. I sipped and crunched my mcc milkshake. I watched the waves, the gulls, terns, sand pipers, pelicans. I decided to go into the water and I really wanted to swim. I was in about chest high when I saw a weird do-nut shape floating in the water... I swam-walked over to it to see it was a jellyfish and that it was deflated in the middle. I'm guessing it was dead as later I saw them littered all over the beach like unwanted breast implants. I drew a few of them in my sketch book. I did not know if they were the stinging variety. It was one thing to be enjoying life at the beach alone and yet another to be stung by a jellyfish all alone. Really that is not what got me out of the water... it was the something huge that jumped right next to me... it was a huge splash. Perhaps it was just a mullet but I wasn't going to wait and find out. I was out of the water to settle into a little place in the sand to rest my soul. I was actually chilled by the breeze and I wrapped my towel around me. I drew the jellyfish, the gulls, the clouds. I made peace with the setting sun and wondered why. I wish I knew how to tell if a jellyfish was alive. One couple attempted to throw some of them back to sea. I don't know why she thought that throwing a jellyfish 5 feet into the waves would really help it's plight. Still, it's the thought that counts.