Thursday, February 19, 2009

Don't be ambitious

Half of my life is over... maybe even more.  Yet I struggle with where I am going... where am I going?  I know where I want to be... yet I don't know how to get there with the tools that I have.  And tonight I was told, "Let things happen naturally, you push too hard."  Would anyone ever say that to an ambitious man?? No they wouldn't.  They would say work harder--even if you never see your family, even if you are working 15 hours a day... On the other hand...nobody likes a pushy gal.  No one likes a self-promoting woman.  It's like I just don't know my "place."  I've never known my place.  And I refuse to have a place.  Yet, once a month the hormones go crazy and I feel so alone and like I'm just spinning my wheels.  If I let things happen "naturally"... I would never get anywhere.  Do you blame me for wanting to get somewhere?  Should I just be happy to be a wife and mother?  Was Diane Arbus happy to do just that?  Not to say that I'm anything like a Diane Arbus.  Yet, I do have a drive to achieve something other than the mother-of-the-year award.  

Tomorrow I'm looking at a studio for rent.  I desperately want a place to paint.  Yet, is it just a waste of time (and money)?  Tomorrow is my free day.  Ted and all three crumbcakes are going on a field trip.  They will be gone all day and I'll be all by myself.  I'm planning to go a spa to for some spa stuff... a gift certificate I got last mother's day... and looking at the studio... and I'm thinking a lunch by myself downtown.  I haven't a friend in the world to dine with.  Sad but true.  Two gals I could of called will be out of town.  It's okay to be alone.  It's hard to be the only person who believes in me.  It makes me wonder if it's all a delusion of grandeur.  

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