Searching.

I did a search last night... for me... I googled my name. I found pages of stuff--some pertaining to me... others not. There was one thing that said, "Jennifer Zoellner: Children with faith." I thought that could of been me... writing about that... and then I clicked it and it was me--a thing I did a couple of years ago. Crazy. I found an artist trading card that I made on a website showing it as an example. That was neat. (I had sent it in for a card swap). I found my name on lists of mail art participants and lots of mail art and lots of info about the mail art show Chromatophore. It's weird what's out there when you look.

I'm hitting that monthly low... not quite sure why or how but the feeling of utter uselessness, anxiety, the feeling that I should just give up on all my artistic ventures... It's in full-attack mode. Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard i try I will never be good enough. And then everything in life seems to point to that... like a large neon light flashing above my head, "mediocre."

I crave the praise of someone who knows fine art to tell me that I'm wonderful. Frankly anyone who honestly can say a positive word...knowledge or not. I pride myself on self confidence so to even admit this is pretty scary. I want a Stieglitz. I want someone to promote me and to guide me to better things--better ideas--better use of medium... to push me to my personal best. In the end its just me. No one to push me along. Just me. And I guess that's been working pretty well so far... I'm stumbling along.