Thursday, September 4, 2008

am i great am i dirt?

I often struggle with the question of me. Who am I? Am I what I want to be? Am I delusional? As an artist and really every area of my life... I strive to achieve my best. I strive to live up to the high standards and expectations that I carry with me like old heavy luggage. I compare myself with others, I wonder if I'm doing enough, doing too much, am I good enough? These feelings are compounded when it comes time for something like an art show. I entered a piece into the Art Center's Member September. It's the piece at the bottom of my blog.... very bottom. It's a portrait of my daughter. It's really green. I tend to work with not-so-normal colors because at the time that is the way I see the image. It's how I paint. It's how I've always painted. So to put myself out there in such a way is a huge RISK. My worst fear is that they don't even hang the painting. I'm going to the opening anyway... despite fear of rejection and humiliation. I know that may sound pretty kooky but it's what's been going through my head all day. I was even tempted to email a friend who works at the Arts Center and ask if the painting was hung. And I almost stopped by to take a peek myself. It's hard to know whether people like my art. No one really says either way. So I'm left in the middle of the swinging bridge between two mountains--hope and utter sadness. I wish people could say how they felt without feeling compromised. I've made a personal pledge to do just that--tell people how i feel in the moment--stranger, family, friend--to say how I feel--about them or their work--of course all in a positive light. The negative can sometimes be left unsaid. Of course sometimes you have to say what you'd rather not. I once ask a friend what he thought of my art. There was really silence from him. It broke my heart. Again I said, "If I'm no good at this could someone please tell me so that I can move on to something that I am good at?" Again, silence. He was not going to be my supporter. I met a lady--a painter--very successful--lives in O'Keeffe country. I asked her if she had someone who supports her art--the way that Georgia O'Keeffe had Stieglitz. She said no and that she was self-supported like most modern women artists. The days of a nurturing man who supports the woman artist are over. Stieglitz pushed Georgia to paint, to be her best self. I wonder if I push myself for nothing?

1 comment:

Eleni said...

wow. I've known you since I was 5, and I've never known that you didn't know that you are fabulous. To me, it's so obvious... so organically true. Your art has inspired me ALWAYS. really. From the days of us paging through Italian Vogue to your early zine-esque moments (mary morrison) and cards and even just the way you would think about everything in such a different and INTERESTING way. I have wanted to be like you forever. :) really. Your endless ideas inspire me to know that ideas can, well, be endless. Your creative flow can't be hindered and that to me, makes you fierce. What do I think about your paintings? I say to the world (you international artist, you!)I love your paintings. I think your use of scale and pattern is compelling actually. I am in love with this one of LuLu. I actually think it's your best ever (of the ones I've seen). The green is delicious. It's envy and purity mixed together. I could literally look at it all day. everyday probably. Your paintings can be lived with, grown with, talked to, silent with. They breathe and extend from you to the world and they are definitely SAYING something. And THAT says something.
Your words are the reason I dared to try painting on canvas.
That's how much I respect your art and therefore your artistic opinion.
you are some great organic dirt! ;)Gritty, nutrient rich, that black fertile dirt that makes so many seeds grow that contributes something even while it's working on it's own thing. You are that dirt... the good dirt. ')
and thank you for BEing.